How to Gain Clarity In Your Life
The number one reason we lack clarity is because we don’t trust our own judgment or our capacity to discern—to separate the wheat from the chaff. We don’t trust ourselves enough to be able to see clearly what is. We don’t trust ourselves to handle or withstand what we see when we open our eyes, that is—the truth. We may believe we don’t deserve the truth or we may think. if we reveal our truth to others, we will be undeserving of love and rejected. A part of us may believe it’s better to seek false refuge in the lie (as short-term as it may be) than to face the real, bewildering pain of a shattered self-concept or worldview. In our post-modern world, we may even believe there is no truth or objective reality—for example, all truth is subjective and, therefore, permissible and malleable to the whims of the moment or the eye of the beholder.
“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves,” writes world-renowned trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Greatest in his book, “The Body Keeps the Score.” Lying to ourselves is a survival strategy a part of us took on to shield us from pain and suffering. One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we can move away from the inner pain the way we draw back our finger from a hot stove. The biology and physics of the outer world do not apply to our inner world. We recoil at emotional pain thinking we’re protecting ourselves. But what we are actually doing is recoiling from the truth, leaving ourselves vulnerable to the real dangers or threats that may be lurking in the dark. We have blindfolded ourselves and, in the process, blocked our innate clarity as conscious, spiritual Beings from shining through. We are effectively retraumatizing our own selves without even realizing it.
If you’ve experienced childhood complex trauma especially in the forms of psychological and/or narcissistic abuse, a part of you may have taken on the role of gaslighting your own self into adulthood. This was a noble attempt to adapt to extreme abuse and survive. Your disconnection from the truth and lack of clarity may show up as a deep and profound confusion, dissociation, a sense of boundary-less-ness, a feeling of being lost, untethered, and groundless. You may feel at times that you don’t know who you are at your core. You may feel like there is no core—that under the hood of your Being is pure nothingness or emptiness.
The way out is to PIVOT, or move toward the source of the pain. It may sound counterintuitive but the more you can hold space for and be with the inner wound, the easier it will be to reconnect to your truth and restore your sense of clarity. We PIVOT to turn back toward ourselves, toward the truth when our natural inclination is to move away or against our own vulnerability. You can practice PIVOT in the following 5 ways: (1) Pause for perspective, (2) Invite in what is, (3) Value your Self, (4) Open up to Life, (5) Trust the truth. It is my hope that PIVOT will act as a tool to help you map a greater sense of meaning, aliveness, and wholeness onto your experiences. As you will see, it is challenging, if not impossible, to live with clarity when there is no connection to a deeper meaning and existential foundation of Being. We will be looking at how to get clarity through the lens of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.
5 WAYS TO GET CLARITY
1. Pause for Perspective
When you get triggered, activated, or overwhelmed, pause and note there is something coming to the surface. Words like “triggers,” “activation,” or “overwhelm” come from parts of us that have labeled what has arisen in our conscious experience as something negative. This makes sense because historically when we’ve been triggered or activated, the effect or outcome is negative, oftentimes leading to a downward spiral of increased pain and suffering. What we are offering here is another possibility. Another way to respond or be in the moment, that is to say to live. After all life arises in our consciousness as a series of unfolding moments.
In nature when something comes to the surface it does so because it needs to. A whale needs to come to the surface for air. A seedling must push through the surface of the soil to receive nutrients from the sun and air. What has come to the surface, even (or especially) in the most challenging of moments, is in need of nourishment. Something is arising from a dark depth or deep darkness, from our personal Underworld or Shadow world. It is emerging from the unknown, unseen world and towards the known, seen world, where the light of consciousness can shine on it. The question then becomes, how will you greet what has arisen? How will you meet this new arrival, this unexpected guest, as described by the the Sufi poet Rumi? Is it okay for this new arrival or unexpected guest to be here?
Affirmation
I pause for perspective, notice what is coming to the surface, and recognize its need to be seen, known, and nourished just like the whale surfacing for air or the seedling pushing through the topsoil.
2. Invite In What Is
You have a choice. You can stand in the light, see the unseen, and know the dragon. Or you can stumble around in the darkness, bumping up against a tail or wing when you least expect it and becoming terrorized all over again. If you can voluntarily choose to know the dragon, you can do something about it. I don’t mean doing something in the traditional sense. We often talk about slaying the dragon, overcoming our demons, or confronting {fill in the blank}. What if instead of confronting “it,” you voluntarily invited it in? Invite it to be here, stand in the light, and take a break from the dungeons of the psychic Underworld.
You may have concerns like can you handle being with this? What if you get pulled into the psychic Underworld along with it? What if you get overwhelmed and flooded by its grief, rage, despair, or shame? These are concerned parts of you surfacing. They are more arrivals, unexpected guests. Can you also welcome them to stand in the light with you? You can stay with those concerned parts and allow them to share their worries or fears. This is new territory and it takes time to become acquainted with the unfamiliar.
This is the paradox of healing that offers a profound paradigm shift. The more we invite in the pain, the less pain and more at peace we feel. The more we invite in the fear, the less fear and more courage we feel. The more we invite in the shame, the less shame and more confident in our worth we feel. When we have access to our inner light and can stand firmly in it, we can experience the benefits of not only accepting but also embracing the paradox.
We begin to discover that the triggered or activated parts of us are not what they appear. Just like Dorothy we can go all the way to Oz to discover that the all-powerful wizard is a little old man hiding behind a curtain. We discover that an inner critic is a young, bullied child who had to be harsh to keep you in line so real bullies stopped targeting you. “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love,” writes poet Rainer Maria Rilke.
As we invite in more of these new arrivals, we learn overtime that the psychic Underworld is also not what it appears to be. Through the lens of our true Self we do not see our personal Underworld as something to fear. We see it as a womb, where gestation of our hidden, unseen potential lives. We see it as home to an unlocked vitality that is waiting to be brought into the light, that is to say, healed and loved. We begin to see the obstacles or tor-mentors of our lives as midwives beckoning forth from the womb that hidden potential. Even “the inner wound can be seen as the womb,” Michael Meade writes. The question then becomes can you give birth to yourself—the you that is yet unborn? The you you are meant to be? Can you be reborn on a moment-to-moment basis as the inevitable tragedy strikes and the world initiates you into a more transcendent state of Being?
Affirmation
I invite in what is here knowing that it is a guest bearing gifts, the inner wound is a womb carrying unlocked potential, and the world is initiating me to overcome past limitations and live with more aliveness, wholeness, and transcendence.
3. Value Your Self
If each wound can be seen as a womb, then what you once wanted to get rid of, you can begin to value, even treasure. You can invite in the parts of you that live in the recesses of your psyche and treat them as guests until their true nature and potential is revealed to you. You can treat each guest with honor because of its inherent value.
The question then may arise, if there is inherent value in our experiences and the parts of us who carry these experience, then where does this value come from? For that matter, where does your inner light come from? Where do you and I come from? I believe we cannot heal our traumas or recover from our pasts without grappling with the existential questions that have followed us since time immemorial.
Does our value come form God, a Higher Power, the Universe, Nature, Love? Is it a spirit guide, a Divine Mother, an angel, a wise ancestor, or pure consciousness? Whatever you choose to believe, just as your parts are connected to you, your Self—Your Self is also connected to something greater accessible to each and every one of us. Like spokes on a wheel if we each travel far enough into our inner landscapes we discover the center, the Source, within our collective unconscious. Everything and everyone emanates from a singular place. You are made up of the very specks of energy that were once confined to a single point before the Big Bang explosion. You come from and are comprised of that same potential capable of creating billions of galaxies. How could you be insignificant? How can your experience not matter? You are worthy just for existing. After all, you are a human Being, coming down from a lineage of ancestors who have survived the unspeakable and unknowable.
This may come as a surprise to parts of us that feel the need to strive, to achieve, to perform, to become someone worth mattering in the world. These parts of us may even refute these claims. And that’s okay. Can you get curious about where that comes from? That message that you have to prove you’re worthy or do something to become enough? You can become much more effective in the world and in carrying out your responsibilities when your actions are fueled by an inner knowing and recognition of your worth. We can only go so far acting out from a place of misalignment and disconnection from our inherent value. When we value who we are at our core, baggage and all, we choose to live in alignment with honor and in service of the highest good as it manifests through us. Striving, achieving, and performing are still tasks we undertake—but they become lighter, less effortful, and sacred processes without the burdens of shame and worthlessness weighing us down.
Affirmation
I see the inherent value in myself and others, my innate connection to the divine (however I define it), and, as a result, I live in alignment with the highest good as it manifests through me.
4. Open Up to Life
When we begin to consider the possibility of our inherent value, we are able to experience more confidence, freedom, and openness to life and its offerings. The renowned Italian filmmaker Federiko Fellini shared, “You have to live spherically – in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm – and things will come your way.” Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:2-4). Zen Buddhists speak of Shoshin, beginner’s mind, which is to look at every situation you’re placed in as if it’s the first time you are seeing it, like a child. Practicing a beginner’s mind or becoming like a child gives us a chance to connect to our innate clarity. We can see the unseen and know the unknown of any ordinary or extraordinary situation, from the most mundane to the most mystical.
The veil is lifted, the mists part, the spell is lifted, and we are open to possibility and limitless potentials that reside within the kingdom of heaven. We can experience the pull upward to ascend to our Psychic Heavens. We can envision through the power of our imagination a better future, one reflective of the highest good. We can access and exercise our free will and agency over our lives with grace. We have the power to transform ourselves, give birth to our unborn selves, and renew our Being without the constraints of our past burdens which have obstructed our view of the truth.
Affirmation
I am open to awakening and seeing the ocean of possibility before me and within me, and with childlike wonder I choose to live spherically, giving myself permission to take up space and expand in many directions.
5. Trust in Truth
Being open to possibility and to life does not mean being completely care-free and bumbling about in bliss. We cannot disconnect from that which grounds us, from that which beckons us downward to face the harsh hand life may deal us. We need solid ground to land on. We need a foundation to build upon and use as a launching pad for upward ascent into healing, growth, and transformation. That solid ground is truth. That foundation is truth.
No matter how far out there you are, regardless of how lost you may be, your truth is always there. Your truth is an inner north star guiding you out of the forest if you only look. Looking can feel like a daunting task. Parts of us may feel we aren’t worthy of the truth or that ignorance truly is bliss. Parts of us may hope that postponing the inevitable may actually prevent the inevitable from happening. But more often than not parts of us feel we can’t handle the truth. Seeing it will blind us. It will lead to total collapse. We can honor those parts that have felt the need up until now to shield us from the truth. We can gently reassure them and witness what it has been like for them to protect us in this way. Perhaps we can update them that preventing us from seeing the truth or moving away from what is has only made us more vulnerable and exposed to getting hurt. It will take time to build that trust in the truth and trust in our capacity to not only withstand it but also be set free by it.
Yes, the truth will set you free. This is not an overstatement or exaggeration. Seeing, accepting, and speaking the truth, especially to our own selves is the greatest act of love. We may need to sacrifice short-term comfort to grapple with it but we also get to truly know ourselves, who we are, and what we are made of. “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell,” writes Carl Jung. Looking for truth leads us down a path that may feel like Hell but, now we know, that even (or especially) in our unique personal Underworld, rebirth is possible (if not essential). Perhaps we are being guided and rooted down so we can grow to heaven. So we can gain access to our Psychic Heavens, “a sacred space where we can find ourselves again and again,” as Joseph Campbell says. Perhaps then we will know what it feels like to be at home in our minds, bodies, relationships, and the world at large.
Affirmation:
I trust I can move towards my inner wounds, and see the truth that sets me free, reconnecting me to the sacred within and beyond my Being.