Let’s Go Inside
When a client first comes to my (virtual) office for therapy, I’m aware they arrive on a mission. The part of them that wants to change X,Y, and Z is in their seat of consciousness. This change-making part is dedicated to genuine transformation. It reveals a laundry list of reasons why A, B, and C need to happen in order for my client to move forward, reach their goal, and be at peace. It knows exactly what “gets in the way” or hinders my client’s capacity to be a fully alive, joyful, and creative agent of Being in their own life.
Before adopting the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy approach or systemic lens to the psyche, I would create an alliance with this deeply devoted part that is ready to roll up its sleeves, dig in, and do the work. Now I know this is literally only a part of the story. There are parts of my client that “get in the way” of doing the work for historically good and valid reasons. By aligning myself with the change-making parts, I was unwittingly exiling or further alienating the parts that have been labeled by the mental health profession as “resistance.”
The truth is our psyches are comprised of parts who hold different (even conflicting) stories, memories, beliefs, feelings, or physiological imprints of the past, especially unresolved trauma. These change-resisting parts are also on a mission, just dedicated to a different cause. They are equally valuable and inherently worthy of attention, support, and healing. If the change-making parts are committed to moving forward, then the change-resisting parts are committed to staying put or grounding down.
Can you relate? At some points, you may be animated by a force that’s pushing you forward, attempting to make changes by putting self-care rituals into practice, or completing the to do list in service of that lofty aim. At other points, you may be animated by a diametrically opposing force that’s pulling you down or holding you back, perhaps by slowing you down, draining your energy, distracting or dissociating you.
A battle is playing out within your psyche between the parts of you devoted to the cause of keeping you “flowing” and the parts of you devoted to the cause of keeping you “rooted.” Each view you, your relationships, and your life through a lens of different organizing principles. The “flowing” part is oriented toward adventure while the “rooted” part is oriented toward home. The “flowing” part is pulling up the anchor and gazing out across the blue horizons. The “rooted” part is looking down planting its feet firmly into the soil. One side beckons you to venture up and out into possibility while the other side beckons you to venture down and inward into groundedness.
The invitation of life is to tune our capacity to inhabit all dimensions of Being:
moving forward and staying put,
venturing out and venturing in,
being called to adventure and returning home,
seeking play, freedom, and exploration, and
yearning for safety, security, and comfort.
The descent is just as essential as the ascent on any hero’s journey. Everything becomes an opportunity to experience yourself as an agent in your own life. That is—a hero of your own myth reckoning with the burdens of suffering acquired as a result of being alive. One of the greatest sources of “resistance” is a deep disavowal of and disconnection from our birth right—our ownership over our innate worthiness and our right to be loved and love as differentiated yet connected, sovereign beings. To put a stake in the ground and claim your authenticity was literally risky business for those of us growing up in abusive households. This is especially the case with survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Your Life Force was actively thwarted, attacked, or shamed in an attempt to cut you off from your own Self. When you’ve experienced extreme psychological abuse, you live in an upside down world. Everything becomes inverted. Words and experiences are redefined to mean their opposites in true Orwellian fashion. Relationships become sources of pain and suffering as opposed to opportunities for love and mutual recognition. Intimacy becomes a means for subjugation and loss of power as opposed to a pathway toward surrender and transcendence.
You may feel deeply conflicted or fragmented as a result. The battle between the change-making/flowing and change-resisting/rooting parts can become so overwhelming that your entire nervous system gets swept up in these oscillating push-pull dynamics. Your internal pendulum swings back and forth between being amped up ready to bear down and push through in one moment and, in the next, dulled down, stripped of energy, and on the verge of collapse and burnout. This can be a self-alienating experience—we become strangers, even enigmas, to our own ourselves. Change is exactly what some parts of us most need and simultaneously exactly what other parts of us most fear. Genuine transformation is a dream to one aspect of our psyche and a horrific nightmare to another.
I assure you all your parts have their reasons. Some parts may:
fear the unknown territory that lies beyond the old and familiar,
disbelieve change is even possible or that you’re capable of it,
believe you’re unworthy, undeserving of change or your needs don’t matter enough to even bother,
feel weary of taking control and having more responsibility, and/or
worry about getting punished, attacked, humiliated, abandoned, or rejected for asserting agency and embodying authenticity.
There is another way to live. You are not only a series of warring parts pulling you in one direction and the next until your head spins. You can befriend both sides of your inner battles and recognize they are extreme for a reason. The more curious and open you are to each of their stories, the more access you will have to what is deeply wounded inside and needs healing. Upon healing these early wounds, you reclaim the dimensions of life that you had become blocked from for the sake of survival.
“I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me. I am arch, gay, languid, melancholy by turns. I am rooted, but I flow.” writes Virginia Woolf. Being rooted and flowing are not mutually exclusive. Both parts are necessary for not only surviving but thriving. Children need a secure base from which to play and launch their exploration. They also need a safe haven to return to when turbulent waters arise and the going gets tough. Likewise, you need access to the full spectrum of inner and outer experience. I’m saying here that inside you are capacities to be your own secure base and safe haven. You are your primary attachment figure and caregiver as Dr. Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, states. When you are your primary attachment figure, these previously warring parts can become partners, complementing and dancing with one another to the music of life while you restore and revive the thousand capacities within you.
Questions
Are you aware of these change-making/flowing versus change-resisting/rooting parts in your inner world? I invite you to take a moment and notice if you’re aware of these two opposing forces within your own system. Can you get curious about them? Do they make sense to you considering their perspectives and your past history? See if you can be present with them.
Grab a journal and write down for each side of this inner battle or polarization: what are their deepest dreams, desires, fears, and fantasies? What do they wish for you, your relationships, your work, your life, etc.?
More from Sofia
When Trauma Fuels High Achievement, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do / article
I share with you how trauma can fuel high achievement and the consequences of striving that is rooted in woundedness. For many of us high achievers, it can be impossible to imagine a world in which fear, insecurity, worthlessness, or shame are not acting as fuel moving us forward. In this newsletter, I invite you to entertain the possibility of an alternative way: Achievement doesn’t have to be a reaction to the love we didn’t receive. Achievement can be an expression of the love that we are.
How to Get Clarity with Almost Anything / article
I share the number one reason you are lacking clarity and five ways to gain clarity about almost any situation through the IFS therapy lens. You will learn to PIVOT from confusion and overwhelm to clarity and confidence. I share tools to help you master your emotions with greater self-compassion, meaning, and aliveness.
Invitations for Exploration
I'm Reading:
Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation by Daniel Shaw. This book is a must-read for individuals who are survivors of narcissistic abuse. I would go so far as to say it’s essential reading for everyone because we all need a theory of mind around malevolence in order to properly navigate our lives. Shaw provides a framework through which to understand traumatic narcissism and make sense of its potential impact on our psyches. If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse firsthand, this book draws a relational map through which you can better grasp and connect to the survival strategies we took on as well as the wounded parts of you that need to be seen, reclaimed, and healed.
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. This tremendous book is a classic for a reason as it provides deep insight into the protagonist’s mind and the parts at war within his psyche. Dostoevsky brings to life and gives voice to the internal conversation between conflicted parts of us that experience false dichotomies such as victim and perpetrator, oppressed and oppressor. In addition, we gain insight into the consequences of disavowing our humanity and rejecting the sacred that is a current trend in our materialist world.
I'm Watching:
Inside Out 2. A fun, playful way to learn more about parts through the little voices in Riley’s head. Perhaps this film can invoke some more curiosity, tenderness, and love for these little parts trying their best.