I can’t tell you the number of times I’m on a video call with a potential client or walking my fur baby and engaging in casual human conversation when I’ll hear the question, What is Internal Family Systems Therapy?
Quickly followed up by, So you do see families or individuals? What exactly do you do?
I totally get it. The name Internal Family Systems Therapy is vague and a bit of a misnomer. In case you’re confused but also wondering what internal family systems therapy is, I’d like to talk about it.
Yes, I see families. Yes, I see individuals too. But it’s not what you think.
Don’t worry. By the end of this post, you’ll have a pretty clear idea of what internal family systems therapy is, if it’s effective (hint: yes!), and how it can transform your life.
If you know anything about me, then you know that I’ve dedicated the last 10 years of my life to helping high achievers who ALSO happen to be survivors of trauma heal from their past, discover their true self, and fulfill their potential. The exciting piece to this puzzle is that I found the most easy, fun, effective, and evidence-based way to do this. And you guessed it. It’s called Internal Family Systems Therapy.
What Is Internal Family Systems Therapy?
Internal Family Systems is a psychotherapeutic approach, a working model of the mind, and a lifestyle.
Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D. (lovingly called Dick) is the founder. He’s a systemic family therapist who worked with adolescents diagnosed with eating disorders. Dick followed the protocol for family therapy by the book (he even wrote the textbook for family therapy--how much more by the book can you get?).
Dick jokingly shares he learned to his dismay that his patients “got cured” but didn’t realize they were cured. It was then that he was confronted by the limitations of traditional therapy and decided to do something radical for a systemic therapist whose only focus should be shifting or reorganizing the outer family dynamics. He asked his patients what was going on inside?
What he discovered would eventually be a major paradigm shift for psychotherapy as we know it. It would change the lives of thousands whose trauma has disconnected them from their true self, kept them stuck in survival mode, and made being in their mind and bodies feel like living in a war zone.
You know all of those random thoughts inside your head? Turns out, not so random.
Turns out if you really slow down and pay attention with openness and compassion, you’ll discover that they belong to parts of you engaged in an internal dialogue much like a family (hence the internal family).
That’s my diplomatic way of putting it. Engage in an internal dialogue. Let’s be honest. It’s more like squabbling, bickering, or all out war. So to answer your question with more clarity.
Yes, I do see both families and individuals. It just so happens that I see families within the individual.
I know this may come as a surprise and you may be thinking, Sofia, what on earth are you talking about?
Or you may be familiar with internal family systems therapy but there may still be a part of you dropping its jaw like you’re Tom and Jerry just hit you over the head with a hammer.
Chances are you’ve been told that you’re one thing or one self from which thoughts, feelings, and behaviors emanate.
The truth is that you have multiple selves, or parts, which experience different thoughts, feelings, sensations, and urges. Your different parts exist within you like a living, interactive system or like a family. That’s why this psychotherapy approach is called Internal Family Systems. If you doubt this, let me ask you a few questions.
Have you ever argued with yourself? Who’s the you you’re arguing with?
Have you ever hated yourself? Who’s the you you’re hating on?
Have you ever been disappointed in yourself? Who’s the you you’re disappointed by?
Have you ever surprised yourself? Who’s the you that’s surprising you?
Have you ever been proud of yourself? Who’s the you you’re proud of?
We all have multiple personalities even though we don’t have multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder. People who suffer from the disorder have experienced more severe forms of trauma that have made their parts more disconnected and inaccessible to them.
I don’t expect you to take my word for it.
Truthfully, I could spend an entire blog or workshop convincing you that the idea of a unified mind or self is one of the greatest myths that exists in our modern world. Which one day I’ll do! As you can tell, I have a lot to say.
Neuroscience is revealing to us with concrete evidence just how far from the truth this conception of the mind is. For now, I only ask you to keep an open mind and heart as you continue reading on. In this way, you can take with you whatever works for you and leave behind whatever doesn’t.
Back to Dick—he discovered that you’re basically an onion made up of layers of parts.
I know an onion isn’t the most elegant image. Your outermost layers are your protective armor. We call these protectors. They come in all shapes and sizes. There are two categories: the proactive and reactive ones. Peel back a little more. You’ll find the center of your onion self, or selves to be more exact. It holds tender, vulnerable parts (commonly known in mainstream psychology as inner children) that carry childhood wounds.
These parts are called exiles because they can be so overwhelming once felt or brought into your conscious awareness. Your protectors work overtime to keep them locked away in the abysses, dungeons, or dark corners of your psyche. Because exiles hold the burdens of our past. Burdens in the form of fear, rage, grief, shame, insecurity, hopelessness, helplessness, survival terror and just about any belief or feeling about yourself and the world rooted in trauma.
Fortunately, you’ve got proactive protectors called managers. They have the job (commonly referred to as defenses, coping mechanisms, adaptive strategies, etc.) of managing your internal world so you don’t get overwhelmed by the exiles. They’re like the prison gate keepers. They’re controllers, intellectual analyzers, perfectionists, strivers, busy doers, planners, caregivers, people pleasers, evaluators, critics, judges, time keepers, organizers who take over the driver’s seat of the metaphorical bus navigating your day-to-day life.
For us high achievers these managers are usually in the driver’s seat and they do a pretty damn good job (if I say so myself.) They often feel like the “real you” when they’re in charge. The problem is that when they’re in control your nervous system is NOT in a relaxed, alert state. It’s registering danger and attempting to manage the threat through your fight or flight survival mechanisms.
Does that sound sustainable or pleasant to you? Of course not!
This can and does lead to burnout. Your managers have the best of intentions. And they sometimes run you into the ground—or the underworld of your psyche. Which means that your inner children or exiles come out. You feel ALL THE THINGS you don’t want to feel. Mind, body, spirit are ablaze in the flames of trauma drama baggage you’ve been carrying all the way from back in the day.
That’s when firefighters step in to the rescue—AKA the reactive protectors. These parts have jobs that are self-soothing. They’re distractors, avoiders, dissociators, numbing out-ters, fantasy creators, obsessors, or addicted to substances, food, love, sex, work, shopping, gambling, internet, etc. When the fires get really big (in their more burdened forms), they can lead to suicide, the ultimate self-soothing strategy or long-term “solution” to pain relief.
The problem with firefighters is that they’re not exactly practicing the kind of self-soothing that comes from a loving, zen place. It’s not like their soothing or distracting is leading to a calm, regulated nervous system. Like a firefighter in real life, your internal firefighters don’t care that they’re shattering your stained glass windows, hosing down your antique buffet table, or poking holes in your polished hardwood floors. Putting out the fire is the priority. Long-term consequences aren’t even an afterthought. The result is a chaotic and risky situation when it comes to your relationships, work, or health.
After the firefighters put out the fire and push those exiles back into exile, the managers step in more dedicated than ever. An inner critic manager will shame or judge you for engaging in extreme behavior. Controlling or striving managers will double down to make sure this vicious cycle never happens again so you can keep moving forward.
When I first started my IFS journey, I got to know 3 key players in my internal family system.
A super manager who acted like a Judge. She was ruthless with good intentions. She wanted me to be at the top of my game in everything. Literally everything. She would even take me to task to be as mindful as possible, living each present moment to the fullest as my best self, and garnering acceptance, approval, and praise from others she respected.
She had a tough job because she was working on behalf of an exiled inner child who didn’t feel good enough, felt like she didn’t belong or matter to anyone, and believed she was unworthy of being seen, heard, or loved. When I fell short of the Judge’s high standards or life simply happened, my exile got activated.
The Dissociator, a super firefighter part would step in. The Dissociator disconnected me from my inner child and therefore myself. I would feel numb, light-headed, and my vision would get blurry like someone surprise-injected me with a dose of a heavy duty sedative. I wasn’t in my body anymore. I was in a far away land watching a movie called my life. It was the opposite of living in the present moment.
Can you imagine how my super manager Judge felt about that?
She would sweep in with a vengeance. Disappointed and angry that I didn’t live in the moment and I missed out on an opportunity to be my best self. My inner child was admonished for feeling her feelings and sent to her room for a time out. Her “room” just so happened to be the deep dark abyss of my inner world. She could only stay there for so long. My Dissociator, shamed by the Judge, would retreat into the shadows but would silently vow to come back and stash sedative injections to check me out from pain at a future date.
Our protectors end up creating the very thing they’re trying to stop from happening despite having the best of intentions to keep us functioning or to soothe and distract us from pain.
The laws of physics also apply to our internal world. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The more your protectors force your exiles out of conscious awareness the more of a backlash there will be. Your exiles will get louder like a child in pain who’s crying out to be taken care of. The vicious cycle or squabbling family dynamics won’t end until you can be with your exiles in their vulnerable state.
The hypothesis that we’re made up of parts is not new. But the paradigm shift that our parts interact with one another like a system or family is new. It accurately speaks to the inner conflicts, alliances, coordinated or uncoordinated efforts of our parts to keep us safe. It honors the multidimensional inner world we all carry within us.
What’s also unique to IFS is the idea of the Self. When Dick was getting to know parts of his clients, sometimes they would “unblend” or temporarily get out of the driver’s seat. A compassionate, calm, curious person would spontaneously take the place of Dick’s clients, who usually felt like a nervous, out-of-control wreck. When Dick would ask about which part this was, his clients would say, “This is just me, my real Self.”
There’s a possibility—as tangible as the skin on the back of your hands—that instead of living out of your protective armor or your inner children locked away underneath all those layers, you can live out of your real Self. Dick came to call this self your core Self or simply Self (with a capital S).
Your core Self is like a cross between the non-judgmental, fully conscious, observer you hear about in mindfulness or meditation practices and a compassionate-superhero-turned-CEO-slash-loving-parent-you-wish-you-had.
Your Self can feel like being in a state of noticing your thoughts from a safe, non-judgmental distance or like an active, compassionate leader taking the reins and knowing intuitively what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. We call that accessing Self-energy.
When you access Self-energy, you are Self-led. You’re the leader of your own inner world and you can experience ease, clarity, confidence, courage, creativity, and a sense of connection to yourself and others. You are the hero of your own story.
I’m saying that an empowered state of connection and flow with your inner resources, or superpowers, already exists within you. You just have to be open to the possibility that there’s a whole world within you that in my humble opinion is so worthy of your respect, honor, exploration, and healing.
You may be thinking to yourself right now, “Yeah right?! If this amazing inner resource has been within me this whole time then why don’t I know about it? Why hasn’t it shown up before? I could have really used some of that, Sofia.”
Unfortunately, most of us have been cut off from this inner resource until now because chances are as a child our authentic, vulnerable yet courageous selves were neglected, dismissed, looked down upon, or treated with disrespect or harsh criticism. Worse of all, being our bold, beautiful selves would lead to emotional or physical abuse. It was actually dangerous to be you. As a result, your protectors exiled your core self so it could survive the external threats the way a country would exile its leader in a time of war to protect her at all costs.
And that’s the good news. No matter who you are or what hell you’ve been through, your core Self still exists fully intact. Your protectors hid it from view so that it can be preserved for you to later access.
Is Internal Family Systems Therapy Effective?
Yes, internal family systems therapy is effective and evidence-based! I’d like to introduce you to Nancy Sowell, a kind, brilliant, truly Self-led fellow human, who was also my Level 1 IFS trainer. She’s the kind of person and teacher that can restore your faith in humanity. Nancy, along with other researchers, conducted a random controlled trial of an internal family systems therapy intervention on patients with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). Seventy-nine patients were randomly separated into two groups. One group received the IFS intervention and the other group, the control, received education on RA symptoms and management.
Nancy et al. found that the IFS group when compared to the control group experienced less overall pain and greater physical function post treatment. They followed up with all patients after 1 year and found that the IFS group had sustained improvements when it came to less joint pain, more self-compassion, and less depressive symptoms.
Internal Family Systems Therapy is a baby in its research life. It’s an exciting time to be a researcher, therapist, client, or student in the IFS world because so much potential tap into our innate healing capacity is still in the dark waiting to be discovered by curious minds, open hearts, and adventurous spirits.
How Does Internal Family Systems Therapy Work?
The goal of Internal Family Systems Therapy is NOT to heal through wholeness or integration into “one” self. This way of thinking stigmatizes our natural state of being—that is, our multiplicity. It assumes that wholeness or oneness is an ideal state whereas having more than one part means you’re fragmented or damaged.
The goal of healing or self-improvement in IFS IS to have a harmonious inner system in which all parts of you can peacefully coexist and play off of each other like instruments in an orchestra. This becomes a reality when you as your true self can be the conductor, sometimes present in a more active or passive role. The ability to be in a compassionate relationship with the parts of you living in the shadows is always there even though it’s not accessible 24/7.
The assumption of IFS is that each part of you, when not burdened by childhood wounds or stuck in the traumatic past, is inherently valuable in its true nature and can lend unique gifts, talents, and skills to your life. There are no bad parts, only parts that have been forced into extreme roles, feelings, behaviors, or positions because your survival depended upon it at one time or another.
Adopted from IFS Lead Trainer Mariel Pastor’s Unburdened Internal System Mandala.
There are specific step-by-step protocols in IFS that can give you the ultimate freedom from your past and help you fulfill your potential. I like to summarize these protocols using the 3Us: Unblending, Unburdening, Updating.
Unblending is an IFS strategy that can help you get the space you need to realize that you are not your parts and you most definitely are not your burdens or baggage from the past. This is the phase where you discover in an embodied way that who you really are is much more than the stories or messages that have made up your identity thus far. I like to think of unblending like clouds parting from the sky and making way for the sun to shine through. The clouds are your parts and the sun is your core self. Air, water, and light are necessary for life but sometimes your inner world can get so cloudy and stormy that you’re unaware of the light within you. Unblending, or the parting of the clouds, can help you get in touch with this light, the inner resources of your core Self.
Unburdening is a step-by-step IFS process that helps you let go of your past baggage. That’s right--all those burdens you’ve been carrying can disappear. You CAN breathe out a sigh of relief and feel light in your body. Special attention is given to exiles who shoulder the burden of all those feelings that were too much to be front and center of your consciousness stage. We come to realize that the exiled parts of us we often demonized and were scared to feel are actually young, tender inner children who, if given the chance to heal, can return to their natural state. Your inner children were not their fears or wounds all along. Their true nature makes up the most creative, caring, present, playful, free, light, joyful, fun, funny, and spontaneous parts of you. You can heal your childhood wounds and free up the natural gifts, talents, or skills of all your parts.
Updating is the IFS method by which you can learn to live in the present moment and enjoy who you are and where your life’s at right now. This is the point of healing where your parts can take in that you’re no longer stuck in a traumatic past as a helpless child dependent upon neglectful, abusive, or emotionally absent caregivers who could not see you, hear you, and love you as you were. You can help your parts recognize that you can be their loving parent, their source of unconditional love, acceptance, and validation. With this new sense of inner safety and calm, they can come to realize that they have the power to un-choose the role they had to take on to survive. They have the power to choose what role they’re going to play in your life. They have the power to choose who or what they let into your life. They have the power to receive genuine intimacy, connection, and love from you and from safe others.
After taking this IFS Self-healing journey with my parts,I found my true Self—someone who can show up for me like a hero. Someone who champions my right to be free, spontaneous, seen, cared for, loved, cherished, enjoyed just as I am.
I rescued my exiled inner child from the hurt she was carrying and discovered I could be myself without being scared of failure or judgment. I got in touch with my natural gifts and talents.
I freed up my inner Judge so she doesn’t have to be a drill sergeant using shame or judgment to keep me in check. She has a new job—an inner guide helping me think with discernment and act with a clear connection to my intuition. She makes sure I’m aligned and living my full potential. She’s more of a friendly witch now. To be honest, she’s pretty amazing.
As for my Dissociator, she wanted me to be present in my body all along but felt forced to take on the job of “checking me out” to not feel the pain of my exile. She dreaded doing her job of Dissociator which felt like dragging a zombie corpse around in a labyrinth in the dark. Now that she doesn’t have to inject me with her heavy duty tranquilizer, she helps me feel alive, soothing me by getting me back into my body. I can finally feel at home in my own skin.
What’s it like being an IFS client?
When you’re an IFS client, you’re accepting an invitation to “with elation, greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, love again the stranger who was yourself, who knows you by heart, and [then] sit, feast on your life,” as poet Derek Walcott describes.
Your role is to uncover your innate capacity to be your own:
Loving parent
Therapist
Guide
Healer
Lover
Teacher
Advocate
Cheerleader
My role as an IFS therapist is to be your fellow traveler and help you clear the pathway so that your journey back to yourself, back to feeling at home in your mind and body, can be as smooth, effortless, and fun as possible.
IFS sessions can look like talking and connecting with a therapist, going inside through guided meditations, healing visualizations, engaging in inner dialogues, body awareness practices, conscious breathing, self-regulating movement, self-soothing touch, and creative exercises like role play or letter writing.
Here’s what clients are saying:
Internal Family Systems therapy helped me become my own healer. I came to realize that everything I was desperately looking for on the outside like love, validation, and support, I could actually have within myself in a much stronger, more stable, more lasting way. This sense of inner stability has brought calm into my life and I can live in the moment, showing up to my life’s work and my relationships without feeling like my self-worth and confidence depend on what I achieve or what others think of me. I’m free to be myself unapologetically and I feel empowered and connected to my loved ones just by being my authentic self. From Sally in Brooklyn, NY.
IFS lovingly shattered any preconceived notion I had about myself and others. It opened up a whole new world of possibilities. I got to meet the amazing parts of myself that had been working tirelessly to get me to where I am today. I’m grateful to them and, at the same time, I can really heal the underlying inner child wounds so that I’m not just in survival mode managing (or not managing) my feelings. I’ve learned that slower is faster and any kind of progress I’m passionate about whether it’s in my personal or work life doesn’t have to feel like I’m pushing mountains or Moses parting waves. Real change and long-term transformation can (and should for my sanity) feel soft and joyful as I step into my power and become a fierce, compassionate leader and advocate for myself and others. From Brittany in London, UK
Is Internal Family Systems Therapy for you?
If you’re still following along reading this long blog post, congratulations for sticking along for the ride! Thank you for your time and attention! You’ve just read about what internal family systems therapy is, its effectiveness, how it works, and what it’s like to be a client. Your last question may be: is internal family systems therapy for you? And are you, Sofia, the right therapist for me?
Here’s a checklist to see if you could really benefit from healing the IFS way with me:
You’re tired of working so hard to change your patterns or learn new skills, self-care routines, or “healing” therapies you can’t stick to or never seem to work long-term.
You’re wondering if there's an easier way to release your blocks and connect to your inner resources that doesn't feel overwhelming, draining, or like a time/energy-suck.
You’ve had traditional talk therapy or are an owner of a strong analytical brain that’s given you all the insight you need about why you are the way you are but change is happening at a glacial pace or, more likely, feeling like one step forward and two steps backwards.
You’d like to reach your highest level of potential in a dynamic, engaging, action-based way that gives you real results in real time.
You’re especially hard on yourself, beat yourself up, and have high standards that force you to push through a lot of discomfort in your personal and professional life for the sake of achieving.
You don’t mind being outside of your comfort zone but you think to yourself, Wouldn’t it be great if I could also get some joy and pleasure out of everything I’m doing, achieving, creating?
You want to be more self-compassionate, loving with yourself, accepting of your struggles. You want to honor how far you’ve come, celebrate your wins, and also keep moving forward to the next level of your potential.
You’re all about getting to the bottom of things or the root causes of things. You’re not interested in putting a band-aid on it, small talk, shallow waters, or simple symptom management.
You want genuine, restorative tools that actually heal and move you forward to create the life you’re worthy of.
You want a therapist who you don’t have to explain things to--she gets it because she knows where you’re coming from based on personal experiences of trauma. (Fun fact: I’m a high achiever/recovering perfectionist AND survivor of childhood trauma, narcissistic abuse, and CPTSD).
You want a therapist who’s down-to-earth, compassionate, human, and isn’t afraid to connect and reveal what happens “behind the curtains” to serve you on your healing journey. You definitely don’t want someone pretending to be an expert on you.
You’re a high achieving, self-sufficient, independently-minded person who doesn’t want someone to step in and rescue you but longs for a guide to show you how to become your own therapist and healer for now and the rest of your time on Earth School.
You’re spiritual but not into religion or the “woo woo.” You believe in creating a meaningful, purposeful life and crave wanting to be part of something bigger than yourself. Deep down you know your healing could get you aligned to that inner state of knowing, connection, love, creativity, and flow.
You live from the neck up as an intellectual being driving around a vehicle made of bones, fluids, and flesh. You’d like to be more in tune with your body and deal with some chronic health-related issues that have been haunting you for sometime now.
You’d like to be part of an online community like The Self-Hero Community that connects like-hearted people, or what I like to call members of the Walking Wounded Club (WWC). High achievers, passionate professionals, and big-hearted entrepreneurs and creatives who ALSO happen to be survivors of trauma. On the outside we look like we’ve got it all together (at least we’ve ticked off some of the important boxes on our “life to-do'' checklist) but still long to feel fulfillment, joy, and freedom.
Take a deep breath to check in and feel how this resonates with you. If your body is saying YES, your next step is to book a free consultation with me.
I believe in my bones that you already are the hero of your own story and all you need to do is uncover the innate healing potential within you.
You CAN heal from your past and achieve the life deep down you know you’re worthy of. And I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be painful or uncomfortable. You CAN feel joy, peace, freedom, and love along the way.
Now, it’s your turn.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below. If you’re new to the IFS world, what’s it like to learn about this paradigm shift? What are your thoughts, feelings, reactions? Any concerns about trying out this cutting-edge type of healing? What would you hope to get out of it?
If you’ve had experience with IFS, what’s that been like? What do you wish you had known at the start of your healing journey? This is just the beginning of our conversation and hopefully many more conversations to come.
This is just the beginning of our conversation and hopefully many more to come. I look forward to seeing you around sofiavasi.com.
With love xx,
